Brazen Hearts, Fresh, On Sticks

"Lupo's on Cherry Street is your standard tavern. The ale's flat, but at least the serving wenches have thick heads of foam. If you hold still at the bar long enough, you'll get propositioned by some group of adventurers who just met each other for the first time. They'll invite you along to raid the Tombs of Atuan or the Lost Caverns of Tsojcanth. I turn 'em down politely. Then I send word by carrier pigeon to my old friend Sally who lives in the Lost Caverns. Let her know a fresh bunch of humanoids is on its way.

"Even though it's in the human settlement of Korndale, Lupo's is the kind of place where a legless, shrivelled goblin witch can pull herself through the doorway hand over fist, and not really stand out in the crowd. That would be me, the goblin witch, Sadie. . . ."

Aunt Sadie tells about confronting her ancient rival, an unspeakable force of bitchiness named Francine. Hilarity and hijinx and bloodloss are sure to follow in Aunt Sadie's Greens .

[Run time: 13 minutes, 41 seconds. The link above points to a VBR (hi-fi), 13.1 MB mp3 file. Click here to see other file formats for downloading or streaming .]

Featuring Melinda as "Georgia Lupo," and Rob as Aunt Sadie, Francine, Kreegak and the unnamed character who says "Poke him in the other eye." Written and plastered by Rob Northrup. Intro music was "Nightmare" by The Artie Shaw Orchestra circa 193X, and "Flaming Youth" by Duke Ellington, both in the public domain as far as I know and available on archive.org. Music at the end of chapter 12 was "Åse's Death" from Peer Gynt, composed by Edvard Grieg.

“Aunt Sadie's Greens” radio play audio file uses the following sound files from Freesound (http://freesound.iua.upf.edu ) according to the Creative Commons Sampling Plus 1.0 license:

* "Rooster chicken calls_2 " from AGFX

* "Grunts.wav " by Sruddi1

Other s/fx include:

* Door opening and creaking sound from the intro of CBS Radio Mystery Theater. (Brief enough to count as "fair use", I hope.)

* Slaps and grunts from "Pete Kelly's Blues - Gus Trudeau." (Public domain and/or brief enough to count as "fair use." Check out all six known existing episodes of PKB posted on archive.org .

* A few seconds of cheesy organ incidental music from "The Sealed Book - King of the World". Fair use and/or public domain.

* A few seconds of the Godzilla theme, which I hope is brief enough to count as "fair use."

Correction: At the end of the audio file, I mention a sound sample that I had planned to use, "Chicken_house2" by digifish music. During editing, I went with a rooster sample instead.

"The good news is your crush finally speaks to you. And it's not just hi. He actually knows your name and he starts the conversation.

"The bad news is: he's dangling from the claws of a gargoyle at the time, being flown West to stand trial as a treasonous vegecarrion organizer. And then all he says to you is, 'Josie, save me!'"

What chance does Josie have of rescuing her hunky hobgoblin from an ampitheater overflowing with hundreds of his kin, as they debate which method would be most amusing to dispatch him? Click here to download Chapter Eleven: The Emperor's Bib .

Warning: This chapter is pretty gory. You might not want to play it at work, or around kids, or for yourself. For everyone else, enjoy. I don't have a good sense of where they draw the lines for movies or video games, but I would personally rate this as PG-13 or maybe Rated R.

[Run time: 15 minutes, 42 seconds. The link above points to a VBR (hi-fi), 15.1 MB mp3 file. Click here to see other file formats for downloading or streaming. ]

Featuring Melinda as "SreHAAg," Matt as "Chango" (mixed into a crowd scene) and Rob as all other characters. Written and plastered by Rob Northrup. "In the Hall of the Mountain King" is the opening theme and "Åses Death" from Peer Gynt, Op. 23: Suite No. 1: 2 (whatever that means) is the music at the end of each episode, both composed by Edvard Grieg.

"The Emperor's Bib" radio play audio file uses the following sound files from Freesound (http://freesound.iua.upf.edu):

"horse walking on paving stones" from dobroide.
http://freesound.iua.upf.edu/download/38764/38764_dobroide_20070808.horse.wav

"pura kehen cockfight" from alchemical. (Crowd at a cockfight in Bali ????)
http://freesound.iua.upf.edu/samplesViewSingle.php?id=26334

"Crowd cheering football 01" from wanna73
http://freesound.iua.upf.edu/samplesViewSingle.php?id=20784

Also included are clips of Michael Palin saying "crucifixion," Sterling Holloway saying, "Oh bother," and the famous Wilhelm scream. I hope these brief clips qualify as fair use.

"I drew my knife, lunged to the side of the bed and pressed it against his neck. 'Feel this blade? I will have you or no one will! '"

Josie finally reaches SreHAAg, only to see him arrested and carried away to stand trial. What crime could be so horrible that even hobgoblins would outlaw it? Click here to download Chapter Ten: His Terrible Secret .

[Run time: 5 minutes, 17 seconds. The link above points to a VBR (hi-fi), 5.1 MB mp3 file. Click here to see other file formats for downloading or streaming. ]

"Oooo! Why are you so mean to me? We used to be best friends! I used to sleepover at your mom’s pit all the time, and we’d stay up all night braiding bones into each other’s hair, making humans sing their funny dirges for us, talking about boys. I looked up to you like an older sister. You were always so stylish and brash and sassy. Mom wouldn’t let me dress provocatively like you did, wearing eyeballs pinned to your frocks, because she said the smell of them rotting would turn on the boys too much. You kissed your first boy before I did, and killed your first boy before I did. You learned to drive before me. I mean, drive slaves to the market.

"What happened? Why did it all have to change? "

On her way to seduce SreHAAg in the Cathouse Dinner Theatre, Josie is confronted by Nadia. They have a tiff. Nadia expresses herself in song.

[Run time: 12 minutes, 7 seconds. The link above points to 128kbps, 11.6 MB mp3 file. Click here to see other file formats for downloading or streaming. ]

If you're trying to listen on dial-up, or if you can't download whole mp3s because you're at work, you might want to try them as streaming audio. The following links should work with RealPlayer or WinAmp or other standard audio playing software that you probably have:

Chapter One: Brazen Hearts, Fresh, On Sticks
Chapter Two: Rico Worries About the Dungeon
Chapter Three: The Gift of the Sadie
Chapter Four: Human Boots
Chapter Five: Werewolves at Rico's Throat
Chapter Six: Even Werewolves Love to Dish
Chapter Seven: Trapped in The Gap
Chapter Eight: Dinner and a Show

Most of these chapters are available in other file sizes and formats like "ogg vorbis" or even as zip files. Just go to www.archive.org and search for "brazen hearts".

Have you heard of the Cathouse Dinner Theatre? You go in there, see a show, have a bite to eat, or you can get up on stage and become part of the show, or eat the show. Or if you don't get eaten, you can get a room to continue with your eating or your performance. It's kind of weird because some of the species on stage are there to perform and some are there to be eaten. That's part of the variety. Whichever you want to perform on, there you go. Whichever ones you want to eat, you can butcher them yourself and have it cooked to order.
Josie slips into the Cathouse Dinner Theatre where she hopes to catch the eye of that hobgoblin she has a crush on. Or catch his tusk or anything else. First she'll have to get past the Madame and Chango the bouncer.
[Run time: 9 minutes, 19 seconds. The link above points to 128kbps, 9 MB mp3 file. Click here to see other file formats for downloading or streaming. ]

Grog & Gryphon is Bill Hollweg's new fantasy audio series. "Welcome...to the Tavern of the Grog and Gryphon, located out 'ere on the edge of the civilized lands in the village of Hammerstoothe. Grab a Tankard and sit back my friends! Come and hear tell of the tales of yore, of heroic deeds and of evils most dire..."

You might notice a wizard named "Faldrun" whose voice sounds familiar, and a goblin named Murrai in later episodes. Give a listen to the trailer and see how you like it.

Click here for Grog & Gryphon RSS feed or
click here for Grog & Gryphon iTunes subscription .

Josie poses with some of the Clan Froschmauskrieg in this awesome fan art by Stephen Sakurai. Check out his webcomic "Muertitos" at http://muertitos.comicgenesis.com . Highly recommended. I was going to try bribing him with undeserved praise just so he'd keep drawing stuff for me, but it turns out that Muertitos is hilarious, so I don't have to lie. Good combination of stylish art and funny writing. He could get by as either an artist or writer for a comic strip, but luckily we get to see him do both.

Josie is at the front of the pack wiping off her cleaver. Clockwise from her you can see: Rico, Chunky, Sensi the Faerie, Beretta, SreHAAAAG the hobgoblin, (did I ever name that troglodyte?) and li'l Aunt Sadie.

A Faerie Groan Companion
Behind the scenes of a goblin soap opera audio podcast recording session. "Trapped in The Gap," Chapter 7 of Brazen Hearts, Fresh, On Sticks. Starring Rob as Josie the Goblin, with special spousal guest Melinda as Sinsi the Faerie.

I spent at least an hour manipulating that title card image pulled off the Prairie Home Companion poster, so be sure to appreciate it.

Pat Benatar interviews Rainbow Brite
Since I will be busy with other projects during September, you'll have to make do without any new installments of Brazen Hearts. As a substitute, I'm posting some old material from the vaults of Lucky's Radio Theater.
Script by Rob, produced by Melinda, starring Melinda
as Pat Benatar and Rob as Rainbow Brite. (June 2003, 1Mb mp3)
(Also available free through lulu.com at the following address:
http://www.lulu.com/content/193065
... but you'll have to register for one site or another before downloading.)

Chapter 7: Trapped in The Gap
Josie and a faerie both want the same tanktop at the mall. While they struggle inside, goblin forces attack the faerie mall from outside with catapults and magical artillery. How will they escape the crumbling dressing rooms? Who will come out on top with the tanktop? Find out in Chapter 7: Trapped in The Gap.
[Run time: 7 minutes, 37 seconds. The link above points to 128kbps, 7.3 MB mp3 file. Click here to see other file formats for downloading or streaming .]

Chapter Six: Even Werewolves Love to Dish
In a very special "Brazen Hearts, Fresh, On Sticks," Josie drags Chunky up to the kitchen, telling how she rescued Rico and won the hearts of her new werewolf friends. Oh, and the special part is how she dispells some painful stereotypes about werewolves. This is Josie of the Clan Froschmauskrieg comin at you with music and fun. And if you're not careful, you may learn something before it's done!
[Run time: 12 minutes, 20 sec. The link above points to 128kbps, 11.8 MB mp3 file. Click here to see other file formats for downloading or streaming .]

Chapter Five: Werewolves at Rico's Throat
Rico attempts to rescue Josie from the werewolves, but more importantly, did he tell you about the boy he met? His name is Beretta and he has the most gorgeous green eyes....
Featuring muffled grunts and background voices by Melinda Ann Smith.
[Run time: 11 minutes, 58 sec. The link above points to 128kbps, 11.5 MB mp3 file. Click here to see other file formats for downloading or streaming .]

Human Boots jingle with guitar .
When I wrote Chapter Four, I had planned to have Rico sing and play guitar, but I don't know how to make it sound good with a cheap microphone in an echoey room. You can hear the guitar and most of what I'm singing, but it just doesn't sound pretty. To listen to the version with guitar, click on that link to myspace and you'll have to poke around and find "Human Boots". Other songs include "Steamtunnel Blues" and "Government Cheese", which have nothing at all to do with Brazen Hearts, Fresh or otherwise.

Chapter Four: Human Boots
Rico asks a human for feedback on his new advertising jingle, "Human Boots." It's got a good beat, and you can strip flesh off warm corpses to it. Josie seems to be indisposed this week; maybe Rico will mention something about that.
Featuring Melinda Ann Smith as the gagged human "Chunky"!
[Run time: 6 minutes, 30 sec. The link above points to 128kbps, 6.3 Mb mp3 file. Click here to see other file formats and sizes for downloading or streaming .]

Poll: What MPAA rating would you assign to this podcast? I listened to a great story called "Little Worker" by Paul Di Filippo on Escape Pod podcast . Great story, some adult situations, but at the start they warned that it was RATED X. I thought it was maybe PG13, maybe Rated R. So that made me wonder if my scales need to be recalibrated. Here's your chance to tell me if you think they do. I think Brazen Hearts, Fresh, On Sticks would be PG-13 or maybe Rated R for adult themes, but maybe it's worse than that. I can't get a fancy clickable poll to work thru blogger, so we'll have to do this informally. Please post a comment here to say how you would rate it. Thanks.