The Colonel Radioshow

What's behind the curtain? Rupert Murdoch, Alan Sugar, Buck Rogers, Rat pies and Foreskins

Lurking Left-wing Scrumpers, Cliff's humiliating first summer holiday, accidental cock squeezing, ripping down the wallpaper and finding hammers up the harris

In bed with Aleister Crowley... clacking clackers... leathery balls... stem cell testing on Dickie Davis...

Dogs and dark forces... Westminster peadophiles... Pills, thrills and Leon Brittan's lapels

Haggis mocking and Scottish Stockholm syndrome, Cameron's Savile Row sentinels... plus Ronnie and Reggie Kray discuss periphery touching

Ballooning with Stephen Fry, digging holes with Omar Sharif, showering with Nigel Farage, beheading with the Borgias and much, much more

Pickled testicles, wastes of spaces, Holly Willoughby, exposed flesh, Andy Warhol, breakdancing and avoiding the madness

The sartorial shortcomings of Hare Krishna. Taking a fence with Warwick Davis and Kenny Baker, going on about Star Wars and the Krays cutting up Eastenders

The Colonel and Sage return with Heather Mills' missing leg, Farage, Judo, sexual malformities, one finger techniques, kippers, the late Bob Hoskins and Moses

The secret crimes of David Hasselhoff, health and safety tips for Neil Young, the shady history of David Cameron's ancestors and the Colonel's bladder problems

The Colonel, Sage and Ronnie return with the first new episode of 2014 - metaphoric kipper ties, Showaddywaddy, the true story of the Titanic and Sage's disreputable mother all on the table of discussion today

The Colonel, Sage and Ronnie mull over the issues of the day including Broadmoor games with Peter Sutcliffe, wrestling with Richard Harris and weapons of mass destruction

The colonel and Sage discuss the working classes, leaky Tories, World War buggery and the insightful proclamations of the cook Jamie Oliver

The Colonel and Sage return with the Loon Goon in the studio - an Irish revolutionary who witnessed Theresa May boiling immigrant children cackling with a salivating Eric Pickles sat at the table waiting for his din dins

Fun and games with the Colonel and Sage

But uncle Thomas Does!

Slip Em a Fiver And Ask Em To Do a Favour

The strange disappearance of the Colonel's wife, The Parker pen thermometer, The Red Baron and tight pockets

Wow, the Colonel and Sage return, Scottish bottoms, David Icke and Wogan's elbows, burning Volkswagens, padeophile Priests and Roger Whittaker

Etheral nature of existence, teddy boys, powdered milk, fish farming, mud men and also some spunk

Zionists, cockney mars bars, limericks and guess the smell with The King of the Bohemians - Iron Foot Jack

Lonnie Donegan's baton, chocolatiering fat bastards, strange DIY, Litvinenko and the Scientologists, what happens under the arches in Vauxhall...

Getting rid of prostitutes, necrophilia, Barack Obama, General Custer, Robbie Williams and much much more

New episode with the Colonel, Sage and the team... Turkish baths, Jimmy Savile Row, Thatcher's sweet shop and Nobby the fisherman

Colonel and Sage discuss the burning issues of the day including James Bond, Royal tits, compassionate robocops, brain draining and the grab, the grab

The Colonel and Sage are back back back with a new series... itchy bottoms... Boris the cyclist... Lord Coe... but is it art?

Last in the series... What happened to Prince Philip's testicles during the Jubilee?... The Colonel gets in trouble with the Royals...

Thumbs up with the Fonz, Louis Walsh and sexual health, Pam Ayres, gay ebay, boiling piss, colour, light and stabbing in the dark

Who killed Rober Kennedy? Who is God's dentist? And this summer's narcotic Olympics

Party time for Sage and the Colonel... Doing business with dwarves, Brando's favourite biscuits and Ron shifts a paradigm with a knife.

Episode 149 with Sage and the Colonel - How do you do what you do to me? Suck it and see!

Swinging England, Brian Jones and the otherlightweights, David Walliams in the Thames, redheads and the Royals, Cheggers in the trenches

Men together in the Poplar Vapour Rooms... Pressing trousers... Lord Lucan... glory holes... the Colonel's outrageous plan on how to keep the Falklands safe... all finished off with some toilet trouble

Crabtree and Sage return with a new series! A journey into the darkness... Georgie Fame, Water Buffalo, homeless people, Rita Marley, ginormous erections, the Hallal pill crusade

Pre series special - Woggle Madness and Clutch Problems

Who is the Colonel's famous long lost great grandchild? Are Terry's better than Dirk's? What did Crabtree do to Mrs Haversham? Last in the series

Psychedelic exploring... up the Amazon in a dress... coming serpents... Claire Sweeney salivating in Jack boots... on being Anne Frank one evening 1945, with just her sister at her side... the horror! the horror!

Experimenting with polar bears, cous cous, Mick McCarthy, revolution

Midseries special from the Colonel and Sage

Festive fun with the Colonel's Christmas Special - Ebony and Ivory all in it together... doing it for the kids

The Colonel recounts time spent with Aleister Crowley. The dark arts, ducks, leather pants, Mike Yarwood and other satantic stuff and nonsense

We discover various high profile 'indiscretions' by the Colonel that links him with some of the most historical assissinationsof the 20th Century. In addition, a Scotsman is unfortunate.

Twisting with Sage and the Colonel... The despicably evil plan of the great inventor Otis Van Strapon, involving Miranda Hart and falling over. The Chinese, Stacia Blake and Liptons Tea??

Rantsville - Archbishops, big society, the French, David Cameron the shit... the Colonel gets a bit wound up with them all

Who are we? Blaming the wife, getting conned by the YMCA, Ku Klux Klan, inspecting hard drives and fisticuffs with the Angel Gabriel

This week Eva Peron, Muslim knock knock jokes, toffs and cultivating cucumbers

New Series! Sleeping with mothers. Standing and delivering. Anyone for tennis, diving or pool? And getting throttled by the Krays

I predict a riot... Series special with the Colonel, Ronnie Kray and the rest. Arse, skinheads, flagpoles, riots and looting gobstoppers. How to get a job at the BBC and how to hire a chimney sweep. At the end of the day, give them six of the best and have a cup of tea.

The Madame Tassaud’s Scandal, the Colonel’s role in the killing of Osama Bin Laden… what really goes on in the Playboy mansion. The joy of auto asphyxiation. How to make porridge… and how Ted Rogers helped out Al Qaeda

Hello Sailor! Been caught stealing... Compromising photographs of Prince Philip... did she jump or was she pushed? Getting it out in the open... Last in the series

Starting from the bottom up with Ronald McDonald... who killed Victor Hugo? Sexual harassement in the trenches

The buggerer's buggerer, the trench wench, Ken Dodd's feather duster, Dr Who is compromised, dealing with the youth and being unkind to Israelis and who the hell's Max Miller?

The metaphysical power of the Aztec sausage, Charlie Sheen's strategy for Libya, the confusion over the Karate Kid, Brian Cox and Opera

John Galliano, Romper Stompers, tattoos, favouring Muslimists, kidnapping cats

Is wikileaks a smokescreen for a bigger stink? Is Prince Philip a deviant? Where is the clown with the bulge in his trousers?

The Twin Towers conspiracy, hijra, Rogered Milliband and tightening nuts, all in a day's work for Crabtree and Sage

Sage is joined by both the Colonel and Ronnie... they discuss Bolshevism, hurting rabbits and Sting and William Hague's plan to steal from old people

Richard Keys and Andy Gray, man on man affection, all you ever wanted to know about corned beef and freeze dried haemeroids

The Colonel returns with series 13. Peace in our time, paying for sex, double headed spying... the first goon show, shitting in holes

Stealing from Sainburys and blinding the Police. Hitting people with guitars, pissing blood and hypnotising Court Judges... all in a days work for the Colonel.

Who will best survive in a post-apocalyptic world? Sage or Crabtree? And which one will end up starving to death in Wales? Which of the oldies has the best sperm to re-populate the new world? Rubbing sticks, collecting mushrooms and Danny La Rue are all discussed as Sage and the Colonel discuss their prospects after armageddon.

Ronnie and Reggie Kray return from the grave discuss their future plans, which include pickling and Boris Karloff. Also, a message from Alvin Lindwall who discusses breathing in Hitler dust, cannibalism and why it’s all God’s fault.

Get into the Christmas spirit with the Colonel, Sage, Ron and the rest of the team. The studio is filled with love as they discuss the Colonel's failed suicide bombing Son. Also, is the Colonel the real father of David Cameron's children?

To poke or to blow up? The Vanstrapulater, sneaking into Heaven through the back door, Hitler or Gandhi?... Last in this series.

The pulsating movements of Louie Spence... The Colonel launches an appeal for the victims of the recent great floods in Kingston Upon Thames... find out what did Ronnie Kray do to Duncan Bannatyne... Don't listen to this whilst eating...

Does the original version of the last supper prove that Jesus was either Australian or gay? What was Satan so upset about? Where did Michael Jackson put his finger?

The Colonel airs his controversial views on Olympic training, religionist's views on punishing limp wristers, how to achieve a distinctive swagger with the 'walnut trick' and does God wear a wig?

A Frenchman on the run, banning Gurkhas, pumping children full of Jesus, phone sex with Bishops and Boris and his Johnson

The sorry tale of Tiddler Terry, sat in a tree... also... Dawn Clench... Vince Cable's Hitler moustache and why Mugabe demands respect

Boxing with Denis Healey, farting with Evelyn Waugh and wanking with Edith Piaf... all in a days work for the Colonel

Cat Stevens, split anuses, poor people and sausages, problems with permanent erections, how to make a slush puppy

Problems with Philip Schofield's poppers, Piers Morgan runs a Mosque, the English Defence League has tourettes... Roger Agogo goes mad

The Colonel returns with a new series... Secret lemonade drinking, The Duke of Wellington, hanging around lavatories, bloody Boris's pushbikes, trouble on the buses

Walking on the wild side with Danny La Rue, stalking Jennifer Aniston with Dr. Legg, trespassing with Wayne Rooney and kiddy fiddling with the Pope... all in a day's work for the Colonel

Before the new series begins, Ronnie and Reggie Kray enjoy a reunion. They discuss what a rubbish decorator Jackson Pollock was, cafes, Star Trek and Ron’s sexual preferences.

A drunken Colonel witters about taking drugs with the Royal family, his plan to take back India for the Empire and putting chilli peppers up the Kyber pass. There is a delightful summer song about self love and then the Colonel spews all over himself.

The Knob Brothers, the very aged rockers, are in the studio discussing their days in the music industry... old novelty records, Joe Meek, groupies, the management style of the Colonel and the size of their knobs

Sage’s attempt at a cultural film review has mixed results as Jock Spalding is invited to the studio to discuss Herzog’s Fitzcarraldo and Tarkovsky’s Stalker… then he gets his knob out and things take a turn for the worse.

Marmite bagels, naughty Jews, limp wristed German sheep, the location of Lord Lucan and golden kangeroo balls... the chaos continues in the last in this series... special episode next week!

Can Sue Pollard do the splits? Who does Sting think he is? What do Mossad want with Shane Ritchie? Are the Colonel's social policies too extreme? These and many other questions will be partially answered at best in this weeks episode... you can probably answer that last question yourselves to be honest.

The beautifully retarded Cheryl Cole and a case of mistaken identity involving Geri Halliwell and Fanshaw Candelabra... for the second week in a row - no one gets 'cut'

Truman Capote, Mick McCarthy, Fanshaw Candelabra and Ronnie Kray all join the Colonel and Sage in the studio this week, luckily, no one gets 'cut'

The Colonel recalls how he accidently started the Iraq War when inspecting Saddam's bunker... also - carving up Arabia and killing Jeremy Paxman

Flashing at the Chilton enquiry, Bill Gates killing Germans, Peter Tatchell's soft spots, defending Quinten Crisp, offending the Irish

A lonely little man from Clapham... Oliver fist... loosing sense of reality... talking sex and celibacy... shooting Italians in the backside... The naked flesh of Jane Fonda

Hermaphrodites are on the table this week as the Colonel reveals his lost love. Lady Gaga, Tarkovsky and codpieces are also on the agenda

Martin Luther King, Transvestite whales, teenage pregnancy and why not to suck on used tampons

Fisters, twisters and lispers... The Colonel reviews the Knob Brothers new songs... bad language and questionable comments are unleashed

Prior to the new series of the Colonel's radioshow, we present the Colonel's Election Special - the Colonel outlines his policies and expresses exactly how he feels about Cameron, Clegg and Browntrousers

Before a new series of the Colonel Radioshow kicks off we have the Knob Brothers memoirs... including Curdled custard, dirty books, dirty girls, quantum physics and Joe Meek the f**ker

Getting to the knob of the matter with Peter Sellers and his rubber nose, Lionel Ritchie and his penis, the Pope and his arse and Michael Jackson and his puppets... Last in the current series

Havoc in the studio, Mick McCarthy get cut, Jacques Kallis gets cut... there's talk of abusing Barry Manilow and the Colonel accusses Sage of professional jealousy

Should we grab Lord Mandelson around the neck, strangle the life out of him and feed him to vegetarians? Should we worry about Communists, Fascists and the Alabama 3?

A poetry reading descends into farce when the Colonel accuses Derek Pringle of raping Sage... The Colonel dissects the Bible and concludes that it is all bollocks.

What happened when the Colonel is invited to a Tuscan orgy by Sting and Trudie Styler and the strange case of Gary Linekar and a bag of salt 'n' shake

Episode 100! Jock Strap, Sage in poetic mood and never twist a fister.

Leg touching in the cinema, Johnny Lydon the hypocrite, remarkably dressed Muslims, the Colonel outlines his immigration policies.

The Colonel delivers his Christmas message to the Nation. Ronnie Kray accidentally spoils Christmas and then he spoils it again (by accident).

Tea bagging with The Queen Mum, pogoing with Prince Philip and the Colonel's special Christmas 'Peace' Mission to Afghanistan... next Thursday the Colonel delivers his Christmas message

Fisting with the Pet Shop Boys, Ronnie's naughty tailer, a dead foot on the shoulder and re-cycling with Ronnie

Reggie and Ronnie oven gloves... A new Ronnie scam involving young boys selling household goods door to door... someone is going to get cut. Anybody want some Staminol?

Series 10 begins with Ronnie Kray... more tax avoidance ideas with the story of Philip Jenkins - Inland Revenue 'employee of the month' who ended up with a leek sticking out of his bottom.

Using Michael Jackson's nose, the abuse of Adrian Chiles and what did Cliff Richard rub into the bottoms of the Knob Brothers?

Corrected mp3 link from previous!... sorry old chaps... The perils of rubbing Algipan on your Johnson... The Colonel introduces The Knob Brothers... tan chords and slip on shoes...the milking of Mark Lester

Welcome back Colonel!... Rosa Parks sat down so that Martin Luther King could walk, Martin Luther King walked so that Barack Obama could run, Barack Obama ran so that our children could fly like R Kelly... Are all the problems over now we have a black man in the White House? Last in the current series

Final episode with Ronnie - including more tales of his protection racket in Purgatory with Ghandi, Frank Sinatra, Francis Bacon, Millets and Jesus... Ronnie finally gets his money. the Colonel returns from his tour of the USA next week!

The Krays plan their return to Earth by kidnapping Jesus, sticking him in the cupboard with Ghandi and blackmailing God... they plan to take over the bodies of the Kemp Bros.... failing that Ant and Dec... failing that, the Chuckle Brothers.

Ronnie Kray is still back from the dead, revealing more of his adventures in purgatory... shooting Jesus... nicking the head of John the Baptist and admiring the Prophet Mohammed's large sword...

Madness in the studio as the spirit of Ronnie Kray continues to control the body of medium Josie VanStrapon... Ronnie continues his tales from purgatory, explaining his extortion racket on the River Styx, why he had to 'cut' the Charon and why he had to threaten God

Spooky... The spirit of Ronnie Kray is summoned during a live seance with Sage. Ronnie's constant threats to 'cut' Sage are interspersed with frightening tales including the sewing up of Cliff Richard's Anus and Gandhi's sexual prowess in the afterlife.